Stories by Jack Bullions
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"Ocarina of Time: The Abridged Script"

Ocarina of Time: The Abridged Script

By: Jack Bullions

NAVI appears, runs her head into a wall, and does a bunch of 
other zany antics.  This is FUNNY... to five-year olds.  The 
antics wake up latest incarnation of LINK.
                    BOY LINK
          Hi.  I am an orphan from war left in a 
          care of some isolated but powerful race 
          of... children that don't age.  Ten 
          seconds in and already this game isn't 
          making sense.
          Hey!  No time to explain.  Go see the 
          Great Deku Tree!
                    BOY LINK
              (stares at flying ball of light)
          What the - ?  I thought you only come out 
          of bushes or rocks I pull from the 
          Listen!  The only reason for my existence 
          is so that I can help you pee straight.  
          How ridiculous is that?  Let's go!
Most of the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS, after witnessing this 
horrible travesty done to one of Disney's greatest classics, 
breaks the N64 and leaves.
A bunch of KOKIRI ADULT-CHILDREN-ELVES prance around with 
their own FLYING BALLS OF LIGHT.  Link and Navi meet the 
                    GREAT DEKU TREE
          Link, thou hast arrived.  A vile climate 
          pervades this world.  Verily, ye have...
                    BOY LINK
          I'm ten.  I don't understand that.
                    GREAT DEKU TREE
          I see then.  Well listen, I will die 
          eventually, but first enter this dungeon 
          I have cleverly designed for you and heal 
          me a little bit so I may destroy 
          continuity of this game.
                    BOY LINK
          Actually, I think I'm going to go pack my 
          bags and wander as a hero for hire like 
          the previous Links. 
                    GREAT DEKU TREE
          Don't make me perform Hamlet on you.
Link runs screaming into the dungeon.
Link uses 3-DIMENSIONAL POWERS to beat LEVEL by finding 
words, Link experiences LEGEND OF ZELDA and EVERY ZELDA GAME 
TO DATE over again.
          A-Ha-Ha-Ha!  Now that I have a 64-bit 
          platform, I can now confuse and annoy you 
          gamers with spontaneous camera rotations!  
          Take this!
The camera EXPLODES, gyrating wildly about.  First-person 
views RE-ORIENT and spin around like an ICE SKATER on CRYSTAL 
Eventually, Link leaves Dungeon and meets MIND-BOGGLINGLY 
SLOW explanation of PLOT which we have already deduced from 
previous games and LONG EXPOSITORY INTRO.
                    GIRL MALON
          I am a pathetic plot device.  Desire me 
          in seven years after your ridiculous 
          quest to wipe out this ignoramus.
                    BOY LINK
                (looks around)
          I see.
Link encounters FAT WOMEN with beards, GAY CARPENTERS, and 
other HOMOSEXUAL ELEMENTS of Zelda 64.  This is also FUNNY.
          The world really is a diverse place 
          outside my riches and wealth.
                    BOY LINK
          That's stereotyping, you ignorant 
          Oh snap...  
          Hmm... you are a boy, therefore, you must 
          be playful.  Please play my myriad of 
          mini-games to distract you from plot 
                    BOY LINK
          Ooh!  Games!
          Hey!  Listen!  Let's try to get back to 
          the quest here.  See Zelda!
Link makes his way to Hyrule Castle while encountering GOOFY 
CHARACTERS on the way.  He meets ZELDA.
                    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
          My precocity has provided for me a vision 
          of the future.  Ganondorf, the second 
          stranger to betray my imbecilic father in 
          this series, will ruin the land unless we 
          two children do something.
Link peers through the window and sees GANONDORF.  Ganondorf 
wears black boots, black cloak, black skin, big black horse, 
and anything else black you can reveal without getting a 
Parental Advisory.  He is EVIL.
          I am somehow failing to understand you 
          are a threat to me despite repeated ass-
          kickings from your older self versions.
               (looks evil)
This frightens Link.
                    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
          Now Link, I need you to go recover the 
          three mystical stones together from 
          dangerous dungeons before he does.
                    BOY LINK
          You're pitting me, a boy for the love 
          of Mike, against a madman who can quite 
          clearly kick my ass into next Saturday 
          on a life and death mission?  You must 
          be the second dumbest character in 
                    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
          Impa!  Send him on his way!
                    SMALL LINK
          I'd like to see your old nurse try.
Suddenly, IMPA appears, in her WWE alter ego, CHYNA.
                    VIDEO GAME PLAYER
          How the hell did this happen?
Impa pulls Link by his ear out into Hyrule Field.
          Link, I am a Gerudos, and so is 
          Ganondorf.  You see, only one man is born 
          in our Amazonian society every 100 years, 
          and by law, we must raise him to be all 
          powerful.  How we breed is a complete 
          How do you like that pile of horseshit I 
          pulled out my ass?  Ha-Ha!  Speaking of, 
          here's a horse to play with!
Link leaves and repeats the DUNGEON PROCESS over again with 
Zora's Domain and Death Mountain.  Link WINS.
                    BOY LINK
          I accomplished my quest within a 
          reasonable amount of playing time.  
          Something doesn't feel right.
                    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
          Uh-oh.  Maybe I did screw up.
Link stares blankly at Zelda.
                    BOY LINK
          You can't tell from my expressionless 
          face, but I'm staring at you with 
          disgusted contempt right now.
                    YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
          But... but... I thought we were meant for 
          each other?
                    BOY LINK
          Since when?  Our relationship has always 
          been platonic, except for that godawful 
          cartoon years ago that no one in their 
          right mind will acknowledge.  Anything 
          more than that is just a mindless 
          construct of a fanboy's wet dream.  Read 
Link returns to the TEMPLE OF TIME, summons some magic to 
open a BIG DOOR, and discovers MASTER SWORD.
          Mua-Ha-Ha-Ha!  You have fallen victim to 
          my ingenious plot!
Ganondorf sneaks up behind Link and STEALS Triforce.  Link 
passes out sans all explanation.
Link wakes up seven years later and becomes MAN LINK.
                    MAN LINK
          What the hell was all that?  Explain this 
          Older Zelda.
                    RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
          I do not know whom you are referring to.  
          I am Sheik.  Because you are the Chosen 
          One, we had to freeze you so your body 
          may age older and fight Ganondorf one on 
          one, even though you'd still have the 
          mind of a child.
                    MAN LINK
          That's the stupidest thing I've ever 
                    RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
          Perhaps.  Now let me teach you several 
          songs that will allow you to warp around 
          this world so you can gather more stones 
          for me.
Link leaves and repeats DUNGEON PROCESS half dozen more times 
while meeting some more GOOFY CHARACTERS.  He returns to 
Hyrule Castle for dramatic climactic battle.
RIDICULOUS DISGUISE reveals herself to be ZELDA even though 
it's pretty damn obvious who it was being she was the only 
character left with more than ONE LINE OF DIALOGUE.
Man Link arrives and beats the holy hell out of Ganondorf 
with INTENSE A BUTTON, B BUTTON, combination attacks... 
          It appears each of you characters have a 
          piece of your own triforce that has 
          provided some power to counteract my own.  
          How all of this eluded me from the getgo 
          shows what a tremendous moron I am.
                    OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
          Now we can seal Ganondorf inside the Evil 
                    MAN LINK
          Okay, so I killed Ganondorf in THIS 
          timeline.  Assuming any of this time 
          travel bullshit makes sense, what is to 
          prevent him from doing this over again in 
          the past?  Unless you're planning on 
          sending me...
                    OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
          I have another billiant idea!  I'll just 
          use my super Princess powers to teleport 
          you back in time and we'll pretend this 
          monstrosity never happened.
                    MAN LINK
Link TELEPORTS back to the Temple of Time.
                    BOY LINK
          Oh well.  Good riddance that's over with.
          Nonsense.  My irrepressible ego has 
          spawned another senseless sequel... Mask 
          of Find Item and Kill Boss with first-
          person Goldeneye shooter mini-game!!
          What?  You're on your own, Link.
                                                 GAME OVER.