Stories by Janus
E-mail Author
Return to Fanfic Index

 New Fan Works  Old Fan Works  Zelda Series  Multimedia  Features  Interactive  Site Info

"Link, the Annoyance Slayer"

Link, the Annoyance Slayer

By: Janus

Note: First off, I do not own: Zelda, Matrix, the song We Three Kings, Star Wars, Pokémon, Teletubbies, Power Rangers, the Taliban, Men in Black, and Barbie. *Whew* This is based on my comic series, "Link the Annoyance Slayer". I may not own Link, but the Annoyance Slayer idea is mine! MINE! ALL MINE! JUST ME, AND MY SWAMP! Wait. Wrong story. Finally, if you want a good idea of this fanfic's theme song, just listen to the Terminator theme (which I also don't own.)



"We three beans from Orient are advertising to you from afar. Beans forever, ceasing never to bring you great flavor! Oooo-oooooh!"

"Cut! Print! That's a wrap!" the director cried. They had finally finished the new commercial for the Oriental Three-Bean Chili CondoT.

"I'm stuck in my costume!" one of the actors called out. His father, the Karate master, stepped forward.

"Son, you ARE the costume."

"No! Father, tell me it's not true!"

"I am sorry, my son." It was a normal day for Hyrule. It had been seven years after the defeat of Ganondorf, and everyone was happy. Except for Ruto, the fish woman, who had a crush on Link. Let's go laugh at her.


"Aargh! I can't believe that he doesn't notice me!" Ruto yelled, "Why? For crying out loud, there's a whole bunch of girls hitting on him, and he won't choose one! Why? WHY?"

"Because, you annoy people." a mysterious voice said. A portal opened up, and Pikachu, leader of the Annoyances walked out. "Since you annoy people, join me, and take your place as one of us, the Annoyances."

"Yippee!" Ruto, the traitor, walked through the portal, followed by Pikachu.

"You are wise. Perhaps you are the Chosen One.."

"The Chosen One?"

"The Chosen One is the one who will play a major roll in the defeating of Link."

"Oh. Oh boy! What fun! Yippee bur bur boo!"

'Um. yeah."


"Good morning, sir!"


"Mornin' sir!"

"No lunch for you."

"Hello, sir!"

"Shut yer trap or do kitchen duty!"

"Good morning!" Pikachu grabbed his .9 mm and blew the poor troop to pieces.

"Does it occur to you that I don't want to be bothered? Well?" he shouted. A Teletubbie was about to speak, but Pikachu charged electricity and sent the Teletubbie to the afterlife. "Come along, Ruto." He took Ruto to his office.

"Now, your first mission is simple. Get to Link, and blow him away!"

"What with?"

"Uh. let's see. a bazooka? No. C4? No. Noisy Cricket? Nobody's ever used that thing right... let's see. AHA! How about an uzi?"

"An uzi? Sure!"

"Great! Now get out there and FIGHT!" 


Ruto ducked behind a bush. She crept forward, peeking in the window of restaurant. She saw Link. She held up her comlink. "Move in."

"Roger that. Moving van ready."

"No, you dimwit! Move in the building."

"Oh. Roger that."

Link was sitting in the restaurant eating a sandwich, when a Teletubbie entered the building.

"YOU!" it cried. "YOU'RE NOT EATING TODAY'S SPECIAL!  FOR THAT, YOU SHALL DIE!" It did a flying kick. Link ducked. The Teletubbie missed, and hit the wall. More Tubbies came in. Pandemonium began. People were all trying to get out. A Tubbie pulled out a .9 mm, and shot at Link. Everything suddenly moved in slow motion. Link leaned backward, dodging both shots. He punched the Tubbie in the face, and kicked two others. One Tubbie actually grabbed a waitress and held a knife to her neck.

"Take one more step, and I'll- oof!" The waitress elbowed the Tubbie in the stomach, and ran out the door. Link stabbed it. You'd think they'd learn, but no, more Tubbies ran in. Link kicked one, grabbing its M-16. He shot the others. Every time Tubbies ran in, they were blown out the door. Soon, Link ran out of bullets, but that was okay, because there were no more Tubbies. Suddenly Ruto stepped forward.

"It is time for me to fulfill my destiny as the Chosen One," she said.

"Actually, you won't be able to," someone behind her said. Ruto turned around.

"Zelda..." she said hatefully. They stepped outside. They glared at each other. Ruto created a ball of magic, and fired it at Zelda. Zelda jumped to the side, and returned with a flying kick. Ruto grabbed her foot, and slammed her on the ground. She started punching, but Zelda kicked her in the stomach and punched her in the face. Ruto fell to the ground. Suddenly she tripped Zelda, and got back to her feet. She put her foot on Zelda's head and laughed. Zelda grabbed Ruto's head with her feet, and slammed her into the ground. Ruto got back up. She charged electricity into her fist, and punched Zelda, sending her flying. Ruto jumped in the air, and shot down at lightning speed. Zelda dodged just in time. She grabbed Ruto, and punched her in the face dozens of times. Suddenly, she jumped in the air. She floated for a second, and kicked Ruto in the face. Ruto went flying, and slammed into a small hill. A portal opened up, and Ruto weakly crawled inside.

"Thanks, Zel," Link said.

"No problem." Suddenly, a ghost appeared. It looked like an old man wearing dark robes.

"Link." it said, "I am known as Obi-Wan Kenobi. It is your destiny to defeat the Annoyances."

"The who?"

"Those things that attacked you are apart of the Annoyances. They are trying to destroy you and take over Hyrule. Ruto joined them."

"I always hated her."

"Learn the ways of the Force, Link."

"The Force?"

"Uh. no, no. Not the Force. the. uh. Spores. yeah, Spores."

"Why Spores?"

"If one has knowledge of the asexual reproduction of plants, he can accomplish anything."

"Uh-huh. Right."

"Go to the Dagobah system."

"The what?"

"I mean, the Annoyance base up in the north. You and Zelda must find it and defeat their leader, Pikachu." The ghost disappeared.


"You idiot! You were beaten by a princess!?" Pikachu roared.

"I'm sorry!"

"You didn't even use the uzi! How pathetic are you?"


"Then perhaps you need more training. Go to the training room."

"Yes, sir."



"They're coming! Arm the thing!" Jigglypuff barked.

"You mean the laser?"

"Yes, the laser! Arm that other thing!"

"The TV?"


"Um, the laser's not working..."


"The TV's not working either."


Link and Zelda walked up to the main entrance. A robot was guarding it. "WHO ARE YOU?" it asked.

"Yo' mama," Zelda said.


They walked in. Zelda grabbed a Tubbie and threw it into the wall. Link grabbed two M-16s and gave one to Zelda. They blasted any Tubbies that they saw. They both ran out of ammo. Another Tubbie appeared, except this one was a lot larger and stronger.

"Me no let you pass," it said with an Austrian accent.

"How about letting us move on?" Link asked.

"And learning how to speak?" Zelda added.

"Um. okay. Hey! Wait a minute!" it grabbed Link and threw him across the room. Zelda kicked its face, but was thrown across the room as well. Link got back up and slashed the Tubbie's front. It laughed at the fact that it didn't hurt. Zelda jumped in the air and kicked the Tubbie's stomach multiple times. It grabbed Zelda, twirled around, and threw her into Link. They got back up. Link noticed how long the Tubbie's nails were. He slashed at them. The Tubbie's eyes watered up.

"You. 'sniff' broke my nails! I. I. will never forgive you!" It ran away. A trail of tears followed it. Zelda shook her head. Link walked into the next room. It immediately shut and locked. A big, round pink thing with a curl on the top appeared in front of him.

"I am Jigglypuff," it said.

"Your point?"

"Um. there is none..." She grabbed Link and slammed him on the ground. Link jumped up and rapidly punched her body. Puff did a body slam. Link could hardly breath under all that mass. Puff got up. Link grabbed his sword and did a power swing. He stabbed her multiple times. Puff did a roundhouse kick, sending Link into the wall. Link drew his bow, and fired his arrows. Puff evaded them all, and did a flying kick. Link fell to the ground. He got up and ran. Puff chased after him. Link ran up the wall, did a flip, and landed behind Puff. He kicked her as hard as he could. Puff punched Link, but was hit by Link's sword. Puff knew she was defeated.

"No." she fell to the ground.

Zelda and Link planted the C4 in the center of the complex. "C'MON LET'S GO!" Zelda yelled. She and Link ran as fast as they could. They jumped over every obstacle in their way. They door was closing. Zelda and Link dived under it, but Link's hat fell off. He reached under the closing door. He couldn't find it! Suddenly, he felt it and pulled it back. The door closed and locked. They ran as fast as they could. The building exploded, the shockwaves sending Link and Zelda flying.

"Whew! Man, that wasn't very easy," Link said.

"You're right," Zelda gasped.


"Hmm. Link is stronger than I thought," Pikachu said. "Ruto!"

"Yes, sir?"

"You and Barbie are to go and attack Link and Zelda tonight."

"Yes, sir!"


"Did you hear that?" Link asked.


"I thought I heard something over here in the bushes- whoa!" Ruto and Barbie jumped out of the bushes.

"We, like, are going to, like, destroy you two!" Barbie said. Ruto grabbed Zelda and threw her on the ground. Link threw a punch at Barbie, but she grabbed his fist and punched him in the stomach. Zelda got back up, but was thrown into a tree. Link was thrown onto the ground. He got back up and punched Barbie. Her eyes started to water.

"You. broke my, like, nails!" Mascara streamed down her face. Ruto drew a gun. Link kicked it out of her hands, sending it off a cliff. Barbie and Ruto punched Link multiple times. Zelda kicked them both.

"Ugh." Barbie groaned, "Time to reveal my, like, true self!" She raised her hand. "TALIBAN BARBIE!" There was a flash, and suddenly, Barbie had white clothing, a turban, red eyes, and even a BEARD! She grabbed a bag of white powder, and threw it at Zelda. Link grabbed Ruto, and threw her in front of the bag.


"Hahahaha, like, ha!" Link pulled out some bombs.

"Hey, Barbie! AIR RAID!" he jumped up and threw bombs at Barbie.

"LIKE, NO!" Barbie died in the midst of explosions. Ruto got really angry.

"YOU KILLED MY FRIEND! AND NOW, I'LL KILL YOURS, YOU INCONSIDERATE JERK!" She pulled out a knife, grabbed Zelda, and held it up to her neck.

"Don't move, or else!" Link couldn't do anything. He didn't need to, because a small, harmless snake slithered by Ruto's foot. She screamed and let go of Zelda. Link and Zelda grabbed Ruto, and punched her as hard as they could, sending the fish woman flying. A portal opened, and Ruto, battered and beaten, crawled into it.

Link and Zelda were walking along, when they noticed some spores lying on the ground. "PICK UP THE SPORES, LINK," Obi-Wan's voice said. Link picked them up and put them in his pouch.

"Maybe they'll come in handy," he said.


Zelda and Link were walking inside a deep canyon. "Link, do you feel as if we're being watched?" Zelda asked. Link drew his sword and shield.

"Yes," he replied. He looked around, but saw nothing. Suddenly, people in suits of red, blue, black, yellow, and pink stood before them.

"We're the Power Rangers!" the red guy yelled. Link and Zelda just stared at them, looked at each other, and laughed at their ridiculous suits.

"Hey! These outfits are cool!" the black guy yelled.

"Yeah! They're the new wave!" the yellow one said. Link and Zelda kept on laughing. The blue guy couldn't take it anymore. He ran off to meet his maker. The pink and yellow girls jumped to the attack, but hit their heads on each other and died from the impact. Only the red and black ones stood. Red grabbed Link and threw him at Zelda. Red and Black body-slammed our heroes. Link kicked them off and glared at them. Black returned with the (oh, horrors!) EVIL EYE! (dramatic chord) But, it didn't work because no one could see through his visor. Zelda then gave them HER Evil Eye. The Rangers gasped. They couldn't bear it. They grabbed an exceptionally sharp rock and slit their pulses. Link and Zelda just stared at the corpses, wondering: Why did Pikachu hire people that were so incredibly stupid?

Pikachu sighed. Everything was going wrong. He looked at a big stack of books. He was lucky that the author had conveniently placed a book that held his answer in this story. Because if the author hadn't, there wouldn't be a great big fight scene at the end of this story, taking away part of the action! But anyway, he picked up this convenient book. He turned the pages and found his answer. It was the steps to summon a great warrior from beyond!

"Yes," he said evilly, "YEEEEEEES."

Link and Zelda got to the top of a hill and saw a large building with a tall tower at the side. It was their destination: the Annoyance HQ.

"All right," Link said, "We'll go back down the hill a little and camp there for tonight. We'll need our strength when we get inside."

"All right."


Link walked over to Zelda's tent. "Hey, Zelda, wake up."

"Huh, what?"

"Wake up." Zelda got out of her tent. They ate a quick breakfast, and went to face the terrors of the Annoyance HQ.


Misty and Brock were guarding the entrance. Zelda and Link knocked out Misty.

"Misty! I can hear someone, but I can't see! My eyes are glued shut! Um, Misty? Hello?" Link and Zelda knocked out Brock. They busted down the door. They ran down the hall, knocking over any Tubbies that got in their way. They reached a large circular room. Suddenly, a figure knocked Zelda out of the room and locked the door. The figure walked out of the shadows.

"It is I, Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town," it said.

"Well, that's nice."

"Link, you've probably wondered what happened to your father."

"He was killed in the Hyrulian Wars."

"No, I AM your father."

"Kid, your seven years younger than me!"

"I almost tricked you!"

"No, you didn't." Ash and Link drew their swords.

Unnamed people: Link. Ash Ketchum. MORTAL KOMBAAAAAT! (MK music plays)

Link attacked, but Ash parried and returned with a horizontal blow. Link dodged it and returned with a vertical slice, but missed. Ash clobbered Link, raised his sword, and thrust it downward. Link rolled out of the way, and stood back up. This was going to be a tough fight.

Meanwhile, Zelda was having her own problems. Tubbies were coming at her in large numbers. She punched one, sending it flying into another, and threw another in the wall. One punched her in the stomach as well as her face, sending her into the wall. She kicked it, and clobbered the others. A Tubbie drew a knife and cut her arm. She cried out in pain, and punched the Tubbie in the face. It flew back into its partners. Three more came up; two grabbed her arms, and the other repeatedly punched her.

Link heard Zelda's cries of pain. "Zelda!" he called out.

"Worried about your girlfriend I see?" Ash said.

"Excuse me. Girlfriend? I don't think so."

"Well, if she's not your girlfriend, then- oof!" Link punched Ash in the face and swung at him. Ash parried the blow, and jumped into the air. He charged up some energy, and flew down at Link. Link flew across the room. He heard Zelda cry out again. Link spat some blood out of his mouth. Ash charge energy into his fists, grabbed Link, and punched him multiple times. Ash threw Link to the ground. He picked him up again, and threw him across the room. Ash grabbed Link by the neck, and tightened his grip. Link punched Ash as hard as he could. Zelda cried out again, but harder this time. Ash picked up his sword and charged energy into it.

"NOW YOU DIE, INSOLENT FOOL!" he cried. He held high above his head. Link grabbed his sword, and stabbed Ash. Ash's eyes grew in surprise.

"Ugh. Oh, man," he muttered. Link removed his sword. Ash fell to the ground. The door unlocked. Link ran in and beat the living snot out of the remaining Tubbies.

"You all right, Zel?" he asked.

"Not really."

"Here." Link pulled out some Red Potion. Zelda drank it, healing her injuries.

"Thanks," she said.

"Come on, let's go."

Pikachu pushed the button, and the energy started charging. When it finished, he would push it again, summoning the warrior that his convenient book had told of.

"La la la la la! What a wonderful day! La la la!" he sang.

Link and Zelda ran down the corridors of the base. But, two figures appeared in front of them. Ruto and Po.


Ruto grabbed Zelda and threw her to the ground. Zelda kicked Ruto's stomach, and punched her in the face. Ruto jumped and did a twirling kick, sending Zelda to the other side of the room. Zelda spat some blood out of her mouth, and jumped onto Ruto's shoulders. She punched the fish woman's head multiple times. Ruto yelled out, and slammed Zelda onto the floor. Zelda groaned as Ruto picked her up and slammed her into the wall. Ruto kicked Zelda as hard as she could, and grabbed her by the hair. Ruto punched Zelda in stomach multiple times, and then grabbed her by the neck and squeezed. Zelda gasped for air. This is it she thought. Suddenly Po flew straight into Ruto. He got back up and ran at Link. Zelda didn't waste any time. She punched Ruto as hard as she could. She picked her up, and slammed her down. Ruto weakly got back up and stared at Zelda. The Hylian princess punched the Zora princess across the face three times. Ruto fell to the ground, dead.


Po punched Link and kicked him in the stomach. Link kicked him and threw him to the ground. Po tripped Link and did a body slam. He grabbed Link, and ran him into the wall. Link elbowed Po, and threw him over his shoulders. Link swung the Master Sword, but barely missed. Po did multiple backhand springs, and glared at his opponent. He did a flying kick, sending Link to the floor. Link got back up, grabbed Po, twirled around, and threw him across the room. He grabbed him again, punched him, and noticed that Ruto was choking Zelda. He threw Po, who collided with Ruto. Po, seething with anger, ran back at his foe. He punched him rapidly, and then hit him so hard that he flew into the wall. Link groaned.

"USE THE SPORES, LINK," the voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi said.

"What good will those do?"

"LINK, TRUST ME." Link grabbed the spores he had taken earlier, and threw them at Po. Po screamed in pain. Little plants that looked exactly like their parent appeared all over his red body. Link ran up, and punched him as hard as he could. Po fell to the ground, dead.


"You get out. I'll take care of Pikachu," Link said to Zelda.

"Link, be careful."

"I will."

Link stepped into the highest room of the tower. Pikachu was there with some kind of energy charging behind him. "You are too late. Once this is finished charging, I'll be able to summon a great warrior from beyond! Too bad that you won't live too see it," Pikachu said. The rat leapt to the attack. Link dodged him, but Pikachu fired electricity from his cheek pouches. Link yelled as the shock hit. He kicked Pikachu, and swung his sword at him. Pikachu dodged it, and rammed into his stomach. He pulled out an M-16, and fired. Link ran, barely dodging the fire. He grabbed Pikachu, and threw him at the charging energy. Pikachu grabbed hold of the railing just in time, and slammed into Link and shocked him some more. Link yelled out again. Pikachu shocked him even more, taking pleasure in the cries of his enemy. Pikachu stopped for a second.

"Ha ha ha! And now, Link, it's time for your death!" Link quickly grabbed his sword and slashed Pikachu across the chest. Pikachu gasped. He looked down in disbelief. The electric rat stumbled across the room, and fell right next to the energy, which had finished charging. Link was just about to leave when the rat moved. It pressed a small button on the railing.


"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Pikachu laughed. There was a flash, and Link and Pikachu were thrown into the wall. Pikachu died on impact. Link saw a figure that he'd hoped he would never see again. Ganondorf had returned.

"No. not you," Link muttered.

"Ha ha! I see that you're not glad to see me. But don't worry, because soon, you AND Zelda won't be able to see or feel anything at all." Ganon drew a sinister looking sword. Link got back up. The Hero of Time and the King of Evil glared at each other. Ganon attacked. Link parried it, and jumped over Ganon's second attack. Link swung, missed, and swung again. Ganon twirled around, dodging it, and punched Link, sending him to the ground. Link got back up and attacked. Link's blade hit Ganon's left arm.

"Aargh!" Ganon yelled. He swung from the left, the right, and the left again. Link did a back flipped, kicked off the wall, and flew at Ganon. Ganon got on his back, grabbed Link, and kicked his stomach. Link got back up, and threw his boomerang at Ganon. The Gerudo King bent backward, dodging the boomerang.

"You really thought that cou- ow!" The boomerang had hit Ganon's head. Ganon grabbed Link, and threw him straight through the window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Link cried out. Luckily, there was a couple of Tubbies outside, washing the window. He landed on one of them, opened the window, and climbed in. The Tubbies just stared, wondering what in the world had just happened. Ganon appeared out of nowhere, and punched Link across the face. Link did an uppercut, a roundhouse kick, and kneed his foe in the stomach. Ganon swung his blade, but Link parried and returned with a vertical slice. Ganon twisted out of the way, charged dark magic into his hand, and punched Link in the chest. Link flew down the hall, and hit the wall. He got back up, pulled out a bomb, and threw it at Ganon. Ganon punched Link, grabbed him, and put the end of his blade against Link's throat.

"Time to finish what we started," he said. Suddenly, he felt electricity flow through his body.

"Aaauuggh!" he yelled, turning around.

"I agree. It's time to finish what we started," Zelda said. Ganon glared at her. Zelda charged more magic and fired it at Ganon. He dodged it, and punched Zelda. He kicked her multiple times, grabbed her by the hair, and slammed her into the wall.

"In a minute, you'll know the meaning of true pain," he said, slowly cutting Zelda's arm. Zelda screamed in pain.

"No. please." she wimpered.

"If you hadn't gotten in my way, this wouldn't be happening. But, now it's too-" his eyes got big as he gasped. Link was behind him, the Master Sword in Ganon's back. He pulled it out. Ganon let go of Zelda.

"Are you all right, Zel?" Link asked.

"I will be." Ganon stumbled around. His hands trembling, he raised his sword. Link quickly swung at Ganon, hitting his stomach. Ganon's eyes once again got big. He fell to his knees, then fell on his face. The King of Evil was no more. Zelda collapsed onto Link, who held her close.

"It's over," she whispered.

"Not just yet."


Link and Zelda, their arms around each other, walked out of the place of evil. Link suddenly pulled out a remote control, pushed a small, red button, and the Annoyance HQ erupted into a mushroom cloud.

"NOW it's over, he said. Zelda laughed and kissed him.

The End

So, what do you think? Please review and tell me about any other annoyances you can think of.