Kasuto's Ramblings

The Scourge of Zelda

There is one small word that strikes fear into the heart of Zelda fans, a word that we all know and hate. Whenever this word is uttered, fifty percent of Zelda players' eyes glaze over and they begin to foam at the mouth. Some unfortunate ones go into seizures. What could this terrible word be? What word could possibly strike fear into the hearts of millions of gamers? Navi, she is the scourge of the Zelda world, more evil than anything Ganondorf could possibly do. Why am I making such a harsh judgment? Put simply, I hate Navi. I am completely obsessed with the Zelda series, but Navi is one thing I can do without. She is the only thing put into a Zelda game that I would call a definitively bad idea. Navi was the stupidest character ever invented by humankind. As much as I like Miyamoto's work, I'm wondering if he was on crack when he invented Navi. I can just hear him talking to the games designers: "Hey guys! I got a great idea! How 'bout we put in a character that states nothing but the obvious, gives absolutely no help, makes Link seem like a complete idiot, and interrupts the game at totally inappropriate moments?" And all the programmers say, "Wow, that's a great idea!" I bet you the decision to make Navi went something like that.

Let me say why I think Navi was put into the game in the first place. A competent game designer wouldn't put such a ridiculous character in a game out of free will. I'm willing to bet that the reason Navi was created was to appeal to a younger audience. Apparently, Nintendo was afraid that a few dumb kids would get mad at the mind-boggling puzzles and not want to play the game. God forbid if a kid would actually have to think. We don't want that, do we? I can just imagine what it would be like if kids had to think, society as we know it would collapse. Nintendo must have been afraid of the kids who couldn't think and figure out the puzzles for themselves. There must be some overbearing, over-protective, soccer mom parents who want to make sure that their kids can play a video game that isn't hard. I can see the headlines now: "Mother Sues Nintendo Because Zelda Is Too Difficult." After all, a woman sued McDonalds because she alleged that a hot pickle from a cheeseburger fell on her chin and burned her (I'm totally serious, I heard about this on the radio the other day). So who's to say that some irate mother wouldn't sue Nintendo because her precious little Johnny couldn't figure out how to make Link climb a freakin' ladder? So we're stuck with Navi. And what purpose does this cute little fairy serve? Pure annoyance. Every other second she yells "hey!" or "look out!", sometimes in rapid succession. She spoils all the puzzles in the game and gives you "hints" that even a deaf, blind quadriplegic who was raised by wolves can figure out on his own. Nintendo's experimental monkey was able to solve the puzzles. Apparently, the average child is much dumber than the experimental monkey.

Now it's time for me to say why I hate Navi. When I first played the game and saw the character of Navi, I thought, "Oh, that's so cute; Link has a little fairy friend just like in the cartoon." I was wrong. I soon became frustrated by the winged devil. What was the most annoying, you ask? The fact that Navi is a blabber-mouth. She say's "hey!" and that damn dialogue screen pops up. I guess it takes three screens to explain why you need a key to open a door. And apparently it's not obvious enough that you can climb a ladder, she has to explain it. Did you know that there is a novel device that does everything Navi does, only in a non-annoying way? Yes! This device give you the information you want, when you want it! I'm sure you're thinking, "Yeah right, this guy is nuts." Well, you have some attitude, mister. But I'm totally serious! This wonderful device is called-get this-an "instruction manual." This "instruction manual" contains information on how to climb ladder, climb walls, climb blocks, swipe your sword; but unfortunately does not tell you how to equip the fly-swatter. Rats. There should be an option in the screen when you open the game: "Navi" and "Non-Navi." Why hasn't someone discovered a Game Shark code that eliminates Navi from the game, or at least gives you the option to stuff her into a bottle?

What I hate the most about Navi is that she takes all the fun out of the game. Believe it or not, I like solving puzzles. And this may shock some people, but I enjoy thinking! The thing that sets Zelda apart from other games is the fact that you have to solve puzzles to progress further. It actually takes brainpower to play the game instead of mindlessly shooting demons with a shotgun. Navi definitely took away from the fun of playing Zelda. At least Nintendo learned from their mistakes and didn't put Navi in Majora's Mask. Frankly, I can deal with that ringing sound that Tatl makes. But whenever I hear "hey!", that one vein in my temple starts throbbing. And somebody please tell me what the heck is going on with the MM storyline? I took it that Link was originally on a quest looking for Navi. After all, what other "friend" could he be looking for? If I were Link, I would be happy that Navi flew away. I would say "good riddance to bad rubbish." Well, at least the game was okay. I can forgive a lousy storyline. Oh well, in conclusion I'll say that Navi sucks. Maybe they should've listened to the monkey.

Kasuto of Kataan

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